Why my tired toddler is exactly like my drunk friend from college.

(Alternate title: Why my drunk friend from college is exactly like my tired toddler)

Annie did not take a nap today. This is becoming an unfortunate trend. So by the time we made it to dinner, she was pretty well exhausted. Because being two years old, is like, so hard. The other kids had been pawned off on their grandparents, so, being down two dinner entrées we thought it would be a good opportunity to go out to dinner. Not a good idea mind you…going out to dinner with a toddler is never a good idea.

As we were waiting for our food and Annie was dancing around in ataxic splendor, I had a flashback to college, and Annie suddenly became my drunk friend dancing at The Hawk. I didn’t drink in college (because I am a RULE FOLLOWER to my core! And maybe I was afraid of my parents – well played guys) so I had a lot of time to observe the other 99.9999% of the people who did drink in college.

And this lead me to conclude that tired toddlers are exactly like that drunk girl you remember from college. Here are a few of the similarities I have drawn:

  1. They have absolutely no regard for personal space and are oblivious to the fact that if they pirouette into the aisle of the restaurant/bar, they may knock the unassuming waiter into another table.
  2. They giggle and act adorably innocent and the waiter lets it go.
  3. They are too busy crawling over the booth and playing with their straw to actually sit down and eat their food.
  4. They are aggressively affectionate and may try to snuggle in the most awkward setting.
  5. If you try to gently suggest that they not jump on the seats they become angrily defiant. In the toddler version, they give you the stink eye and start kicking the booth and throwing french fries. In the college version they give you the stink eye, start dropping F bombs, and swear they will never speak to you again.
  6. You think you know what they are talking about, but with the incessant slurring, you’re never quite sure. Did you say you want a “green comb” or you want to “go home”? “Drink your beer!” or “Mom, come here!”?
  7. They sing or ramble nonsensically ALL THE WAY home. There is less concern in the toddler version, however, that they will puke on you from the back seat. Just one more reason to keep that car seat rear facing for as long as possible. Where my pediatricians at???
  8. They need considerable assistance getting up the stairs.
  9. They need considerable assistance getting into bed.
  10. Every time you get them into bed, they slither slowly out of bed and collapse in a heap on the floor, mumbling incoherently.
  11. Even though they can be a pain in the ass, they are pretty stinking cute. Mostly after they fall asleep.
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