When I Can’t Sleep

Yesterday, a small miracle happened. When I got home from work I had a hot second to lay down on the couch. I told Danny I was just going to rest for a minute, but when I closed my eyes, my “rest” turned into a full on nap. The likes of which simply don’t happen when you have three kids. It was glorious and amazing and wonderful despite the fact that when I woke up, my eyelids were stuck firmly to my contacts.

When I crawled into bed a few hours later, I felt refreshed and energized. Which I’ve never felt before. It was weird.

And I continued to feel refreshed and energized at 11:00. And still at 11:30. And at 11:59, which was the last time I checked the clock.

And I reasoned with myself, “Hey, why don’t you just enjoy these moments of peace and quiet? You have nothing to do…just sink into your mattress, snuggle into your comforter and do some yoga breathing until you fall asleep.”

But then my brain…my damn brain…repudiated all attempts at reason and embarked on a nocturnal excursion of irrational shenanigans. The following are excerpts from my adventure:

Now that I’ve had skin cancer again, can I ever increase my life insurance? By how much? How much will my premiums be? But my life insurance will run out when I’m 65. If I don’t die by then, will I really be “self insured” like I’m supposed to be? I really think that the best time to die, financially speaking, is the day before my 65th birthday, when I’ve built up a nest egg, but my family can still claim the full amount of my life insurance. An likewise, the worst day to die would be on my 65th birthday.

Why is it that every evening, AFTER eating way too much dinner with extra carbs and sweets, do I feel SO FREAKING MOTIVATED to start working out and eating healthy? And WHERE has that motivation gone when I wake up in the morning? Because in the morning I really don’t care anymore. Because I’m freaking hungry. Why can’t I feel the same motivation and commitment that I feel at bedtime when I’m face to face with a warm cinnamon roll in the morning? My morning self says “Gurl, it’s all good…you’re only five pounds over your baseline!” But my morning self neglects to remind herself that her ‘baseline’ is five pounds over her goal weight.

Speaking of being healthy, did I drink enough water today? Hopefully my fasting labs will be okay tomorrow. I hope I drank enough water to make my renal function look good. But what if I drank too much and my sodium is out of whack? Or my hemoglobin is diluted? I’ve yet to turn yellow, so hopefully my liver function is good. I think I’ll have some wine tomorrow after my labs are drawn.

If I suck my stomach in a whole bunch of times before I fall asleep, does that count as exercise?

Is Danny a better person than I am because he brushes his teeth longer than me? A better person with better dental hygiene? I should really try not to brush my teeth at the same time as him because I just don’t have the stamina to outlast him. Who has time to brush their teeth for a full two minutes?

Danny is snoring, but I haven’t noticed any pauses in his breathing. This is essentially a sleep study and I’m pretty sure it’s normal. Can I bill for that?

What time is it?