But I’m a doctor

The following is my personal account of an actual situation. Others involved may have a completely different recollection, and may question my recall of recent events.

The scene: My kitchen

The time: Monday morning, just before leaving for school

Louisa: Hey dad, when you go shopping today will you get Nutella?

Danny: Um, no.

Me: That stuff is SO not healthy.

Luke: But you can put it on stuff.

Me: I’m aware of the spreadability and deliciousness of Nutella.

Louisa: Can we get cereal?

Danny: Um, no.

Louisa: But our neighbors have cereal.

Me: I know, but it’s not very healthy.

Louisa: But their dad is a doctor.

Me: (face distorting into a bizarre mash up of sleep-deprivation and perplexed mini-rage). And so is their mom. And so is YOUR mom.

Me: (Am I going to need to have some sort of feminist intervention at 7:50 on a Monday morning!?!? I’m already on my phone ordering her an RBG t-shirt and queuing up Abby Wambach’s wolfpack speech)

Louisa: Yeah, I really don’t see how Palliative Care is being a doctor….

Me: Como se, whoserwhatter????? (Okay, so not a sexist issue, but now just blatant disrespect for my specialty.) ( Also, when I get angry I think I can speak Spanish…and maybe a little German)

Louisa: Just sayin’.

Me: (Spanish accent, finger waiving feverishly in the air…think angry Sofia Vergara) Oh noh, choo de-ent chust say dat, yittle girl!

Louisa: (Rolling eyes so hard she looks like she’s going to strain her superior and lateral rectus muscles)

Me: IN THE CAR!!!! We’ll discuss this later!

~ Later that evening ~

Me: (my Midwestern dialect has returned and I am no longer Sofia Vergara) So, Louisa, why don’t you think I’m a doctor?

Louisa: Well, because you don’t do surgery.

Me: Ahhhh (so maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought)….So is your pediatrician not a doctor?

Louisa: Um….well….she’s a pediatrician.

Me: Yeah…and that’s a doctor. You don’t have to do surgery to be a doctor. (At this point, I pull out my phone and start scrolling through my facebook feed and for the next several minutes I point out ALL of my friends who are doctors…neurologists, cardiologists, nephrologists, intensivists, radiologists (I mean…they don’t even carry stethoscopes) etc., to prove to her that you do not have to be a surgeon to be a doctor. More lateral rectus muscle stretching ensued. I can assure you that her 6th cranial nerves are VERY MUCH INTACT…but I think my point was made. And to be fair, I did point out my surgeon friends too….because ya’ll are pretty badass…even if you don’t really care that much about replacing potassium and the psychosocial implications of strained family dynamics as it pertains to advance care planning in a patient that lacks capacity. That’s totally okay.)

Me again: So, is your mom a doctor?

Louisa: (very non-committal) Sure. (At this point she mixes it up and shows off the intact-ness of both her left and right 6th cranial nerves…).

Me: (volume rising, sounding a little on edge) Hey Luke….is your mom a doctor?

Luke: (wide eyed, nodding his head frantically): Yes!

Me: Even though I’m not a surgeon?

Luke: YES MOM!

Me: Awww…gracias. Love you mi hijo! (Showing off my own 6th cranial nerve prowess to Louisa in the form of a well timed side-eye).

***Late attestation to this post. Upon proof-reading the above account of my Monday morning, it has occurred to me that I might be a little off my rocker about cereal and if you made it half way through my post, you are probably thinking that I am a nut job and you are contemplating calling CPS to report me to the state for withholding cereal from my children. I acknowledge that cereal is a staple of the American household and I do not judge you if you eat cereal or feed your children cereal. Probably 50% of my PO intake until I turned 35 was some form of sugar-frosted goodness. Wheaties was my “healthy cereal” and Reese’s Puffs was my “dessert cereal.” Dang…maybe we should start buying cereal again. Don’t mention this to my children until I have a chance to confer with Danny.

I also harbor no ill-will toward surgeons. I actually like them quite a bit. But I will leave you with my favorite surgeon meme…

Happy Wednesday, friends!!!

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